Paterno’s press conference through the analysis of TNL’s computers

04:02 Cholis Back 0 Comments

We all know JoePa is very enigmatic when answering questions by the press, in fact he's become worse over the years as he trusts the press less and less. Some people claim to be able to speak Paternoese and get to the meaning of his answers but we're all guessing. Well that's over now because TNL is proud to present our new addition: the Paterno Analysis Machine or P.A.M. for short. P.A.M. uses state of the art text psychoanalysis techniques designed by M.I.T. to parse through Paterno's answers and filter them down to the concise meaning. Here is just a sample of what P.A.M. can do.

Q. Andrew Quarless today said that maybe things came too soon in his career. Came in as a 17 year old. How do you think he's matured? And how do you go about taking into account that maturity when deciding to play these true freshmen?
He's grown up. He was a pain in their backside for a while, but he's grown up. He's a good tight end right now. He's on the verge of being better than good. He's gotten a little careless once in a while in some things. And that's part of a process, I think, of what he's done in high school and what he did earlier with us. Little things haven't been that important to him, and that's on and off the field, and I think he's grown up and he's starting to pay attention to those things, and I think he's playing very well.

P.A.M. : <in a somewhat monotone robotic voice> WE WILL BE THROWING TO QUARLESS NOW THAT HE IS NO LONGER A DUMB-ASS.

Q. What about your kick off coverage, is that a concern?
Got to do better. Better do better. No offense to that kid (Mike Jones from Syracuse). I was worried about that kid, because he ran one back 70-something yards back (against) Minnesota, the kid that ran it back. And we were very aware of that. And we had a true freshman in there who let him get outside on the first one when he ran it back to the 40-something yard line. But, no, we've got to do a better job in that, no question about that.

P.A.M. : THE KICKOFF COVEARGE SUCKS.

Q. Can you talk a little bit about you've got some former players, Al Golden obviously played for you and Mark D'Onofrio, could you talk about the improvement with Temple with them in charge and your feelings facing former players and matching Xs and Os with them?
I think both, Al was on the (Penn State) staff for awhile and then he had a chance to go to Virginia as defensive coordinator before he became the head coach at Temple. I think he's done a real good job down there. They've had a lot of tough luck. They lost to Villanova in the last play of the ball game and as I said, had five turnovers. Gave up the ball five times. Last year they lost the ball game to Buffalo, when Buffalo won the conference championship, on the last play of the ball game. Two other games last year they lost late in the game or on the last play.

His kids have come back and been competitive. And that's what we're going to see this week. Al has not lost control of his football team. They're well-coached and disciplined. At times maybe they've had some bad luck. But if you don't lose your poise and you don't start panicking, those things start to level off a little bit.

And I think Al and Mark... Mark never coached for me but Al has and I know what kind of coach he is. Mark obviously was a very fiery player. And I'm sure the kids that play for him at his position coach are going to... he'll have them fired up. So we'll have a very emotional game Saturday. It will be emotional.

P.A.M. : HE KEEPS LOsing GAMES LATE. I DID NOT TEACH HIM THAT.



Q. Joe, do you expect Navorro Bowman to get back to practice this week, and how careful do you have to be with that kind of injury?
I don't know. He didn't do anything yesterday. We talked a little bit as a staff this morning. And I'm going to... I think he's got to start practicing pretty quick if he wants to play Saturday.

But, I haven't had a chance to talk to him today. So I'm reluctant to say. I talked to him a little bit before practice yesterday and he said it was still sore. But whether it was that sore that he can't practice today, I don't know. I think that's the doctor's and trainer's call. I don't know yet. I don't think we'll know until he gets out and tries to do a couple of things today I think he's got to do it today. I don't think we can wait until tomorrow because we've got some other kids we've got to get ready.

P.A.M. : BOWMAN BETter GET HIS ASS OUT OF THE hot TUB IF HE WANTS TO PLAY THIS week.

Q. With your conference (play) opening next week, do you sense more urgency among the players to make it through this week?
No, no. We've got Temple to play. You guys can speculate. You can talk about this and different things that are going to happen this week, next week, what happened last week kind of stuff. We really don't talk about that. I'm just trying to get our kids ready on this day. And every day, go on the practice field, get better, take care of some things and overcome some things we didn't do well and go from there.

We had a decent practice yesterday. I'm looking forward to a good one today.

P.A.M. : YOU ARE A STUPID RE-PORT-ER. WE HAD A good PRACTICE THIS WEEK UNLIKE LAST WEEK.

Q. After looking at the Syracuse game tape, I was wondering, are you going to make any changes on the offensive line?

Well, we might. We'll see what goes on this week.

P.A.M. : YOU ARE A STUPID RE-PORT-ER. I AM NOT GIVING MY GAME PLANS TO YOU. BURN IN HELL.

Q. I wonder if you could talk a little bit about Johnnie Troutman. You didn't seem real pleased with his off season workouts. But how has he come along and what stands out to you about him?
It wasn't being unhappy with his offseason workout; it was his weight. He was up to about 325. We told him he had to be under 310. I think he's now about 306, 305. Because he can't do some of the things that I think you have to be able to do in the way of stamina and quickness carrying 12, 14 pounds more than you need.

So I think he's down and I think he's getting better. He played some Saturday and he may play a lot more this Saturday. I think a lot will depend again, as I said earlier, how we practice, how he practices and how some of the other kids on the offensive line practice. But he's gotten better.

P.A.M. : TROUTMAN WAS A fat ASS BUT IS O.K. NOW THAT HE GOT OFF THE TWINKIES AND HO-HO'S.

Q. What is your impression of Temple's quarterback, Vaughn Charlton? He threw for over 300 yards against Villanova but was picked off three times.
It's a one game kind of thing, although he played some last year. He's a good, solid player. Now, the three picks, I'm not so sure they were his it's tough to tell whether the wideout ran the right lane or didn't run the right lane, whether he made an adjustment that the quarterback wasn't ready for, thought he was going to make a different adjustment or whether the timing was off. But, overall he looks like a good, solid quarterback. Knows what's going on. Got a good arm. Nice release.

So we think he's a good player. How good, it's hard for me to tell you that. But I think he's a good, solid player.

P.A.M. : IF THE DUMB ASS DOES NOT COUGH THE BALL UP WE WOULD BE PLAYING AND UN-DE-FEATED TEAM. DAMN.

Q. I know you always strive for balance between running and passing. But if the season evolves where you're getting more of your yardage passing, would you be okay with that, if you continued to win, gaining 65, 75 percent of your yardage passing?
I'd even be content to live with you guys if we win. I mean, I don't think that's even a question, really. We're going to do what we can to win. Okay? And if we win by one point because we did something that was imbalanced, to use your word "balance," that's fine. That's what we we're out there to win a football game. One at a time. And unfortunately the other guy's entitled to do some things he wants to do and he may determine how you're going to win it, if you can win it. So you don't really know what you're going to do. You just hope you're ready to do what's necessary in order to be ahead by one point at the end of the game.

P.A.M. : YOU ARE ALL STUPID RE-PORT-ERS. I HATE YOU ALL. WE TAKE EVERY GAME ONE AT A TIME.

Q. A little off topic, but there was a sign on the field last week about official petition for Paterno Field at Beaver Stadium. Have you ever given that any thought? If it came up with the university would you like that at all or would you not want that distinction at all?
I don't think about those things. I really don't. I didn't see the petition or what. I don't know that much about what it is to be dead. How much do you know what's going on after you're dead? Huh? (laughter) You look up, I don't know. Nobody's told me what happens yet. So I don't know. I think that's up to some other people to decide. Obviously, I'd be flattered and I think it would be nice. But it really isn't something I think about.

P.A.M. : of COURSE THEY WILL NAME THE FIELD AFTER ME WHEN I DIE. I'M NOT STUPID.

Q. I was curious what your take on Josh Hull's mustache was?
Has he got a mustache?

P.A.M. : I DO NOT KNOW OF THIS MUSTACHE THAT YOU SPEAK OF.

Q. You haven't seen it?
I guess I've seen it but I haven't noticed it. As long as it's not coming down to his neck, is it?

P.A.M. : OK, I'VE NOTICED IT BUT LOOK THE OTHER WAY.

Q. No?
Then he's all right. Geez, you guys must think I go around... it's like that old MASH guy, the guy that was a major in MASH, call him out and have him review (the company) every morning. No. Good kid. Great kid. Doing great. Playing well. Heck of a student. He's an engineer, 3.5 grade point average. If he wants a mustache, that's okay.

P.A.M. : HE'S PASSING CLASS. INSERT REFERENCE OF 70'S COMEDY I ONCE WATCHED.

Q. I imagine you don't pay attention to rankings too much, national rankings, but being No. 5 in the country do you ever compare your team's development to other teams?
No, don't get me into that. I don't know what we are, for crying out loud. Geez, that's the same thing hey, I honest to God, are we No. 5 is that what you're telling me?

P.A.M. : YOU ARE A STUPID RE-PORT-ER. YOU ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION.

Q. Yes.
I don't know that we're No. 5. You guys don't seem to understand. I don't pay I don't read anything about us. I get the paper. I go to the bathroom. I take the paper in there and I scan it. I look at it. The first thing I do is look at who died. All right. Second thing I look at are headlines. Something that says, "Paterno is the Greatest," I read it.
(laughter) If it says I'm a bum, I don't even look at it. No, I don't pay attention. What you are today isn't what you're going to be tomorrow, all right? What you're going to be tomorrow is what you make happen tomorrow.

I read the newspapers. I feel bad about the way things have gone with the newspaper business, with the guys, with the computers (Internet), getting all that stuff on. Because it's taking away some of the guys, and I think some of the great guys I've known and who wrote well who set a standard for writing, people don't realize, they were all sports writers. They were all sports writers first. Grantland Rice and those guys. I don't know, it's a different world. And I'm not part of that world. I'm really not. I love to read the newspapers. I'd love to read the sports page, but to be very frank with you, I don't because so much of it is you guys have to base on what you are getting in an e mail, what you're getting because I've talked to a couple of guys about it.

You're influenced by, what people are after you to say something because you're competing. It's like I don't even turn on the television set anymore, because one television station is anti Obama. The other one you like to have somebody have an impartial view of some things because they studied it and they know about it. And they're not being influenced by the guy that owns the paper or the guy that owns the radio station, so it's a different world and it's not the kind of world that I'm comfortable with.

That's a speech. I usually get 100 bucks for that (laughter).

P.A.M. : GAL-EN YOU AND YOUR KIND ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR DESTYOING PRINTED NEWSPAPERS. JOE LIKES TO READ WHILE ON THE CAN. OBAMA… GRANTLAND RICE…PATERNO GREAT… DOES NOT COMPUTE…. DOES NOT COMPUTE. FATAL ERR-OR… REBOOT... ERR-OR… ERR-OR….